Introduction, The

Me I..... An autobiography. My fictitious life.

Me I have embarked on a several hundred page journey to tell you the story of my life. My use of the term several is due to the fact that I have not finished writing it as yet. As a matter of fact, this here, folks, is the third sentence that I have written so far... But fear not, it will not be the last. Not unless I should drop dead in the next second, which obviously has not happened since I am still writing.

Ha ha ha... I got the last laugh on that one.

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to indulge you in my weird sense of humor, but since you are about to read about my life, you might as well get used to it. Not to brag or anything, I do have a great sense of humor... I always get my jokes... which is more than I can say for some certain people who you are bound to meet in the book.

Speaking of which, please let it be known, beforehand, that since there is a high chance that the only reason you are reading 'Me I...' is because you know me personally, or in person, or impersonally, then it is more than likely that you will find in the murky bowels of 'Me I...', a character that very closely resembles you.

In case you find that my depiction of said character is less than flattering to your self, and if that depiction should bring out the suer in you, and you should feel tempted to file a suit for libel or whatever other trumped up charges... then please let it be known now that that particular character is actually fictional. Any such resemblance to you is intentional coincidence on the author's part.

If on the other hand you hold no such sentiments, and you are in fact proud to be actually featured in a bestseller book, then please do feel free to purchase a few extra copies and distribute as X-Mass or mother's day gifts to your family and friends; especially those whose lives and escapades you've always envied. You have most certainly earned the bragging rights... but only if you buy the extra copies.

My other disclaimer... and this one is for all y'all in the law enforcement industry. 'Me I....' may contain what may amount to confessions to ...ummm crimes, of both felony and misdemeanor type.
Any such claims by the author of 'Me I....' are not to be taken seriously by anyone who in all seriousness might be in a position to use those particular claims against him in a court of law, a military tribunal or any other roomful of authority including those offices of the INS and the Border Patrol. All such claims are most certainly not true... they are but a product of a good imagination... perhaps not so good after all... huh!

Lastly, and most certainly not least, this one is addressed to one Oprah of the Oprah's Book Club fame.

Dear Ms. Oprah... or should I call you Madam, this here is a sworn statement by the author, that you are most certainly about to make famous, in regards to any claims and depictions in his writing. Please disregard any claims to fiction that may have been alluded to in the previous disclaimers. Forget even the 'fictitious' that is part of the book title. This disclaimer supersedes any disclaimers made before it.

Let it be known to you and the illustrious readers that make up the Bestseller-maker that is Oprah's Book club, that nothing written in this book is false. That the closest I came to fiction is in choosing the name I wanted to be published under. I sincerely hope that that one indiscretion on my part will be overlooked in light of the fact that I only did it to save my dear mother from the grief and unwarranted attention that having a world famous son has always tended to bring about.

Just an aside for you madam, my mom whom you will most definitely meet, not just on your show when you finally request me to be your guest, but most certainly in numerous pages of my story, happens to be the one female constant so far in my life. She also happens to be a senior member of the Women's Guild in her church and a respected disciplinarian in her village.

She will gladly attest to the trueness of my stories. She knows that I do not.... actually cannot... indulge in the luxury of lying. Not after all the near death experiences in her hands as she successfully beat the lying bug out of my precious little body.

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Now that we are all done with that disclaimer business, I would like to urge you to let go of your misgivings and any preconceived misconceptions that you may have. Mine is a long and windy journey, any such baggage is bound to be a hindrance to your reading pleasure.

I suggest that you do not attempt to read 'Me I....' in between important activities, like say during your coffee or smoking break; Or while your teacher is looking over his notes trying to find where he was before your inconspicuous giggling interrupted his boring monologue; Or when the boss walks out to answer a call of nature.

And don't use as an excuse the fact that I actually wrote the book during similar instances.... my case is different. The clock is ticking for me, you have the rest of your life to read... And should you die before you are done; fear not, they will have the audio version on the bus to wherever it is you will be headed.

Last disclaimer... (sorry)... I am not a lunatic. Twenty-something years of formal education have curved out of my life this warped version of sanity. The fact that I have not fallen prey to any of those crazy bitches looking to commit me to an institution of marriage is enough proof of it. No?